suffering

How is GOD using the fire and storms in your life?

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I’m not exactly sure when it was, but for a period of time, I kept finding myself reading verses in the Bible about being in the fire or storm. Daniel 3:9-30, Isaiah 43:1-5, Matthew 8:23-27, the book of Job and others. I’m not sure what I thought at the time, but looking back, I can see that GOD wanted to prepare me that I would be going into the fire…a hot šŸ„µšŸ”„ one!

Since October 22, 2015 I feel like I have been in the fire. That is on-going pain from surgery with no answers to why, spinal pain which was in the 7-8/10 pain levels for several years (as well as occasionally now, but regularly around 4-6/10 pain levels), for several years inability to get regular sleep, doctors unwilling to help, insurance denials, workplace falsely accusing me of theft, loss of beloved animals, mental breakdown, weakness in my legs taking my freedom to drive, autoimmune disease, noise/light/smell sensitivities, depression, migraine headaches…

; BUT GOD has been faithful throughout. Majority of the verses I continued to see over and over were about being in a fire or storm, BUT most importantly the verses were about WHO IS WITH US WHEN WE GO THROUGH THE FIRE OR THE STORM!

Isaiah 43:1-5 -But now thus says theĀ LORD, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: ā€œFear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fireĀ you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. ForĀ I am theĀ LORDĀ your GOD, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush andĀ Seba in exchange for you.Ā Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, and from the west I will gather you.

Remember Shadrach Meshach and Abednego;Ā  GOD didn’t put out the fire, in fact, the fire was stoked seven times hotter! ;BUT GOD was in the fire with them. It’s not about GOD putting out the fires, it’s about who is in the fire with you.

In Matthew 8:23-27, the One who controls all things, including the weather, was in the boat with the disciples. JESUS calmed the storm with a Word.

For just over six and a half years, I have been in what feels like a fire that’s gotten a little bit hotter over time. I’ve learned that the key to not fearing is to know that GOD is with us through it.

I have also started to see that going through the fire is about healing and restoration. This happens when we surrender every aspect of the fires and storms to GOD and allow Him to use it for our good.

Today it occurred to me that maybe GOD wants to use the fires in our lives to give others life. I was reading a devotional about “heaping coals on the heads of our enemies” and remembered that in the past it was a blessing to give someone a hot coal. It meant they would be able to warm their house, cook food, warm water for drinks and baths, etc.

I’m not quite sure what it would look like to use the fire I am in to give life to others. Maybe instead of just existing in the fires we are in, we can look outside of our fires to encourage others who are going through it and we can pray for others asking GOD to show Himself in their fire.

How is GOD using the fires and/or storms in your life?Ā  What is He teaching you? Please let me know in the comment section.

Despite the fires in my life, I desire to see the Church, the Bride of Christ, united together in love. I desire to see the Bay Area to become the Valley of GOD’s Heart’s Delight. I’m not sure how I can be part of this, other than prayer, but I am at least asking GOD to use me.

I pray that GOD will show Himself faithful to you. I pray that GOD will show you, that even though your fire might be getting hotter or that your boat is about to be overtaken by waves, He is with you, He is for you and He is in control of the fires and storms. I pray that GOD will empower you to stop crying out to be saved from the fire and the storm to see that you are safe in the fire and the storm BECAUSE HE IS WITH YOU. I pray that GOD will encourage you, strengthen you and show you purpose inside the fire and storm. I pray that GOD will remove all hopelessness, anxiety, fear, dejectedness, etc and give you His peace that surpasses all understanding to guard your heart and mind. I pray that GOD will soften any part of your heart and mind that has become hardened because of the fire and storm. And I pray that GOD will renew your love for Him, allow a fire to burn inside your heart and that He will show you new purpose. May He build something beautiful from the ashes, bringing healing and restoration in and through your life because of what you are going through.

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5th Anniversary of a sacrifice

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If you have not already read my early writings, please check them out on my website, here’s the first one. I have written about the process and journey of becoming a live liver donor for a friend’s husband.

October 22, 2020 will have been 5 years since we had surgeries. Here’s our update and story.

Can you believe that it’s been 5 years since I donated part of my liver to Lupe? Me neither – only it feels much longer than 5 years! Time is a strange thing.

Last I heard, Lupe is still cancer-free. He was permitted to go to work, but with him having a sensitive immune system, he is not working because of covid-19 in our world. He still has pain daily but has a good attitude. He’s also very grateful for each day he gets with his family and friends – and for each opportunity he has to share Jesus with someone.

Since the last update, I am still having abdominal pain as well as back pain. I was not approved for back surgery and doctors say that there is no way to really see if I am allergic to titanium. SIGH! I am still using a cane and have been unable to drive since February 2019. I have been blessed with SSDI and also In Home Support Services has allowed me to have care providers come into the house where I live to help with laundry, bed changing, errands, cooking and taking me to appointments. I would have never imagined being in pain for 5 years, being this young and needing care providers, not being able to drive or even walk very far by myself – BUT GODā€¦

GOD is faithful, GOD has not left me and I know that GOD loves me. I know that GOD is sovereign, GOD is in control and that GOD has a plan. I’m not sure why He has allowed this for me, but I trust GOD completely – more than I did 5 years ago. More than anything now, my prayer is that GOD will be glorified in and through all we have been through.

If you haven’t known GOD or JESUS personally, I would encourage you to seek Him while He can be found. Your life won’t become suddenly easy, but you will know a peace that surpasses all understanding. You will know that the GOD who created you still holds you in His hand and He loves you more than you can ever imagine.

Lessons from a sacrifice

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Well, donating 60% of my liver was much, much different from what I thought it would be. I had done A LOTĀ of research, I had gone through several rounds of explanation of what was to be expected from all levels of my medical team and even read a lot of stories from people who had already donated through a live organ donor blog on Facebook. I thought I knew what to expect, but it was nothing like what I planned or thought. It really was a sacrifice, but it was worth it. Let me explain.

Lupe and I met with our surgeons on October 2, 2015 and were given the go ahead to have the surgeries as long as I found a place to move before the date of surgery (see my blogs in the “Steps of Faith” phase of blogging). Ā Temporary housing was found for me, but it wasn’t going to be in a home, it was going to be in a room in a back yard where there was no insulation and no bathroom. But there was plenty of room for myself, my step-Mom (who was coming as my caregiver), my furniture, etc so two days before surgery we moved into the room – arrangements were made for a camp toilet in the back and showers/laundry could be done in the house in the mornings.

On October 21, both Lupe and I were admitted to UCSF for surgery.img_20151021_153854 We were both placed in shared rooms at first. I was placed with a lady who thought she had a cold, so when my nurse said I could stay in my clothes and visit Lupe, I went quickly. Within about 10 minutes, a nurse from donor services named Lisa came to get me and said that as much as possible they like to place donors in a private room, so she showed me a private room with a bit of a view. I gladly took it.

I thought it was very interesting and sort of a sign, but my Personal Care Assistant for the night was named “Easter”. img_20151021_231834She put little bunny ears by her name as she wrote it on the board in my room. I told her that it was very interesting to me that the whole process for me to donate part of my liver started on Easter weekend. (SeeĀ Waiting for an answer ā€“ steps of faith to a sacrifice.)

My friend Lisa stayed the first night with me and was able to go down to pre-op very early the next morning with me. As my gurney was pushed to the elevator, Lupe’s gurney came behind. He asked if I still wanted to “do this”. By then, it was no turning back for me. I thought I was ready.

In pre-op, there was a flurry of activity. We met part of my team and part of Lupe’s team since he was in the next “stall” from me. We discussed the surgery once more and then medicines were started. I was awake long enough to watch the operating doors open for my arrival. I met a few more people on my team, realized that it was extremely cold and then I was out.

I do not recall going to recovery at all so the next thing I remember is being on a gurney and being pushed into my hospital room. My step-Mom, friend Lisa and Lupe’s wife Hilda were all in my room. The nurse asked me what my pain level was from 1 to 10. I don’t recall my answer, but all three of the ladies told me I said “45” and mind you that was with the morphine!

Another memory that is super special to me is that at one point (possibly in the recovery room but maybe in my room), Dr. Roberts who was surgeon on me until the 60% of my liver was removed and then Lupe’s surgeon to put it into him came to visit me. He gently rubbed my arm until I was aware of him being there. He then held my hand and put his face near mine and told me, “Michelle, your liver started working in Lupe almost as soon as we put it in!” It was as if it were his first time ever doing the surgery – sort of an excitement in his words even though he is a the Chief of Transplant Services at UCSF.

I ended up staying in the hospital 10 days instead of 3, I moved 7 times after my surgery, and I am still on disability due to continued pain in my side and incision. All the pain, the frustration of moving, the loss of a years wages. I would never have imagined any of this.

Psalm 69:6Ā The Message (MSG)

“Donā€™t let those who look to you in hope
Be discouraged by what happens to me (through the suffering),
Dear Lord! God of the armies!

Donā€™t let those out looking for you
Come to a dead end by following meā€”
Please, dear God of Israel!”

I think that sometimes people think that sacrifices should be easy, even for Christians. Or, we think of Jesus’ sacrifice only of what He did on Easter weekend. And that was not an easy sacrifice. The weight of the world’s sin were upon Him. Jesus gave up a lot more than just the sacrifice at Easter. He gave up His seat in heaven to be born not in a place of luxury, in a home with heat and water that was clean, not even in an Inn where there was some luxuries of “home”, but in a dirty, messy, stinky stable.

Today during worship I thought about how after surgery, my belly with the 11 1/2 inch incision felt like a pain level of “45”. I knew between a morphine drip and deep breathing, I could get the pain down.

Before the crucification, Jesus was flogged 40 times, which would have ripped his flesh front and back nearly disemboweling Him – He had no morphine. Then on the cross, His arms stretched and nailed, as well as His feet nailed together would make it near impossible to take a deep breath. And on top of that, if that wasn’t bad enough, the weight of the world’s sin (past, present and future) were placed upon Him.

The sacrifice I made for 1 man was no small thing, but I do not feel it was a waste. Lupe has been saved from an early death. He is 100% Hepatitis-C and cancer free + his body has accepted my liver.

The sacrifice Jesus made for all people was beyond human understanding, and He would do it again even if it was for one person. We celebrate the hope of Easter because He overcame death by God’s resurrection power. Those who believe and receive Him as LORD and Savior are saved from an eternal death, where we will be freed from disease and pain and will live for eternity with God.