I have not known how to write about this from my original perspective, because 1) it’s not something I want to go back in my mind to think about or relive, and 2) I am not proud of the fact that I was so deceived! I have chosen to write about this to be obedient to GOD and also because I want to help others who might be stuck in a similar situation to be freed. I talked about this in https://humblevalleyranch.com/2024/05/07/the-power-of-gods-word-truth-over-deception/

I was introduced to Michael Smith (not his real name) just after I came out of a bad relationship in 2003 or 2004. I wasn’t interested in dating anyone. I was going to a young adult’s group and Mike would come in a lead worship for us. He wasn’t a Pastor; he was just some who loved to worship GOD and to lead others.

One week after service, our Pastor invited some of us out for coffee. I’m not sure if he was trying to introduce us or not. Plus, I accidently spilled my mocha on Mike’s white pants.

He, along with our Pastor and some others, helped me move from San Jose to Santa Clara. Then he started helping me with a business I was trying to start.

Getting a Crush

I started getting a crush on him. The more I would see him, the more I would pray for him to become my husband. And the more I would pray, the more I would think GOD was speaking to me about “our future together.”

Crush to infatuation

The crush went to infatuation quickly. I started writing a letter about all the “words” I thought I was getting from GOD. The more I thought about him, the more I thought I needed him to be my husband.

He invited me to cater a singles picnic he was hosting plus he invited me over to his place to garden, to work on business stuff for me, and then finally he invited me to cook dinner with him at his house. Then suddenly, I was no longer being invited over anymore.

One day, I drove to his house and knocked on the door. He opened the door and stepped outside to talk. He said he was busy. He did ask me if I wanted water, which I accepted. He closed the door while he got the water then after I finished drinking the water he took the glass, opened the door, went inside and closed the door behind him without saying, “good bye”.

Infatuation to obsession!

I couldn’t understand! I was so sure he was supposed to be my husband!!! I went home and cried out to GOD! “Why doesn’t he see what You are showing me??” Then I suddenly had the idea to send the letter I was writing via email. Surely he would read it and realize we were supposed to be together!

I expected a response right away, but nothing.  I would drive past his place to see if he was there because I wasn’t seeing him at church. His car would be home. So, I waited more and prayed more.

At some point, one of the Pastors from the church we were both attending called me to let me know he knew about what I did. He told me that I could no longer be part of the Business Leaders group as well as some other “disciplinary” stipulations including to not call or email Mike again.

Even with the discipline, I couldn’t see or understand. I was sure he was going to come around to seeing “the truth”. I even bought a passport because I was sure we were going to go out of the country for our honeymoon.

By May of 2005, I decided to use the passport to go to Vietnam on mission with a group from the church. During the trip, a guy from our team asked me if I would be willing to date him. I told him I was waiting for a guy who I believed was my husband.

That year, I also made a very special all blue quilt at a quilting group from church. I prayed for the child we were going to have who was going to use the quilt – I prayed, cried, read Bible verse, prayed more, cried more over that quilt. Then when the quilting auction came, I had it put up so he could buy it. It went for the second highest bid amount of over $500 to a single man who bought it for his sister who had just lost a baby. GOD told him that it had been prayed over for a child and if he bought it his sister would have a baby boy. He bought it for her and a few years later she had a baby boy. The man told me why he bought the quilt after the child was born. He asked me if I did pray over the quilt and I acknowledged I did, but I didn’t tell him why.

By 2009, I was declaring out loud that Mike was indeed my husband and that he was going to come into my life. By then, I had other Christian leaders from my church and from organizations who were speaking to me about needing to turn from my sin. I just thought they didn’t understand my faith, so I stopped talking about him with most people.

Confusion – what is love?

However, in 2010, I met another man who I thought was interested in me. I was very confused what to do because I didn’t want to “lose faith”. I was sending a daily devotional about love out to several people via text and on Facebook, but I felt like I was failing to love Mike because I was thinking of the other man more.

I cried often. I had little to no peace. I felt like I failed GOD. Then I would hear Christian songs or sermon that would allow the peace to return. As I am writing this, I am reminded of King Saul. He was tormented day and night except for when David would play his harp for Saul.

And at some point, around 2011, because I was thinking of another man, a woman who had been praying with me for Mike to come into my life told me, “GOD said I can no longer be your friend.” That night I found myself crying out to GOD again. As I cried out, a still soft voice whispered, “where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth!”  

I don’t remember if I looked those words up in my Bible that night or not, if I did, it didn’t cause me to change. But soon afterwards, I was reading in John 18. Verse 38 stuck out to me as if it were highlighted, “’What is truth?’, retorted Pilate.”

What is Truth?

I started asking GOD, “What is truth?” Will You please show me where I am deceived?

I started to have what felt like flashbacks of what really took place with Mike. It’s like I was seeing things from a different perspective…a FAR different perspective.

A different Perspective

The night we all went to Starbucks, I was trying to make small talk and was talking about the mural on the wall and he walked away!

He was one of the ones helping a bunch of us move me from San Jose to Santa Clara. He got the address and said he would lead. Some of us were going slower. He seemed like he’d be a good leader of a group of cars, but when he went through a yellow light and didn’t stop for us all to catch up, I got frustrated.

I was starting a baking business on the side. He asked me if I wanted to cater a single’s picnic and all the money people paid would go to me. He gave me a rough figure which was going to be tight but I decided to do it anyway. The day of the picnic I wore comfy clothes to set up and asked him to wait to say grace until I was finished cleaning up. I took less than five minutes then came out of the bathroom to see everyone already getting their food and eating. I was told he said grace. I said, “it must have been a short prayer!” It was. He said, “grace, let’s eat!”

And as I was writing this, I was reminded of another thing that happened that day. Mike gave me the cash he had received from everyone. It was much, much lower than I was expecting. Less than he said. I was about to ask him where the rest of the money was when a homeless man drove up asking for gas money. My hand was still open with the money in it. Mike looked my way, took a step towards me, grabbed the money, and gave it to the man.

Why didn’t that wake me up?

One time he had invited me to help him pull weeds in his garden. I was excited to do it because I love gardening! He had a pear tree that was pretty small. It had one beautiful pear on it. He said, “Oh look, it’s ripe!”, took it off the tree and started eating it. The juice ran down his face and he said, “mmmmm!”, but he didn’t offer any to me.

He told me that he has a rule – go on 3 dates and it it’s not a “fit” then it won’t ever be.

The night he invited me to his house to make dinner with him, we talked as we cooked. His house was freshly painted multiple tones of blue. I shared with him how when I lived in Las Vegas with my mom that the interior was blue – and we each tended towards depression during that time. He said it was his favorite color and would not change it for any reason. He asked my favorite drink. I told him it was coffee. He told me there would never be a coffee machine on his counter because he only drinks tea. I talked about my cats. He told me cats would never be in his house because he was allergic. He asked what exercise I do. I was going to the YMCA but not often. He told me he really wanted to be with someone who would jog with him.

And the messed-up thing is: I stopped drinking coffee for over a year and started jogging regularly! But apparently, the night we had dinner together was my last chance to “fit” with him. I guess to him we had three dates and I wasn’t what he wanted in a wife, so I was no longer welcome to his home.

Once you see truth, you can’t unsee it!

So crazy that these are my memories and what I remember now! Once you see truth, you can’t unsee it!

I didn’t see these things that way then. I thought he liked me. I was stuck thinking he was my husband. I became obsessed with him. I thought GOD was showing me snippits of what life would be together and that is what I was putting into the document I sent him. I see now how sick it was! I see now I had a spirit of crush over me.

In the first chapter of Romans, Paul says:

• Claiming to be wise, they became fools
• Because they exchanged the truth for a lie…GOD gave them up…
• Therefore, GOD gave them up in the lusts of their hearts.

I feel like that is what happened to me. I thought I was so wise because I had read the Bible at least 4-5 times all the way through. And because I wanted a husband so badly, I exchanged the truth for a lie and I was given over to the lust of my heart into obsession.

I found myself regularly crying out for GOD to forgive me for being so deceived and for hurting Mike by sending the letter and for being so obsessed.

GOD’s forgiveness

JESUS, in His grace, has showed me that by His blood I am cleanse and forgiven – and justified. A friend told me, “justified = ‘just as if I’d” never sinned’. Meaning in His eyes and in the FATHER’s perspective, it is as if I never did it – any of it! And it’s taken much time, but I have received this as well as forgiven myself.

Although I finally received GOD’s forgiveness for being so deceived, I still longed for, no pined for a husband for much longer. One night I was reminded of the still soft voice that spoke to me in 2011, “where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth”

“They will throw them into the blazing furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” Matthew 13:42

On 12/9/14 I wrote in my journal: “Weeping and gnashing of teeth = hell. It hit me today that I am living in hell on earth. Quite often I weep and gnash my teeth in regards to being without a husband, children, or a home. I feel hopeless more often than not, feeling like there’s no hope in these areas. I don’t want to live in hell on earth any more. I no longer want to feel hopeless. I am asking JESUS to save me from the pit of hell that I’ve been living, to heal me of hopelessness in these areas, to give me a real hope and a joy. LORD, please set me free from the weeping and gnashing of teeth that I live almost daily.”

I again had to ask GOD, “What is truth? Where have I been deceived?”

It has taken me years to be set free from the hopelessness I used to feel. More than anything, it took me laying down my desire to be married and asking JESUS to be my Heavenly Husband. Despite continuing to be single, I have a peace that surpasses all understanding. I know He takes care of me and He provides all that I need. And I am no longer experiencing what felt like “hell on earth!”

Have you ever had a crush on someone?

What is the worst you have ever been deceived? How did you come to know the truth?

Have you received GOD’s forgiveness in a way that you know you are cleansed and justified (“just as if I’d” never sinned)?